Flip Stop!

Flip-flops… Jeeeeesus, what’s the fucking point of them then eh?

“I know, lets create a style of foot wear, that doesn’t protect the front of your foot, doesn’t arch with your foot, makes you bend your toes to keep them on every time you move and makes you sound like the worlds worst percussionist!”

This isn’t just a rant on a personal level though thanks to the addition of this paragraph (and this paragraph alone!), cos after spending a lifetime aggravating ‘easy-going’ (hahahaha) people like me, you’re going to wake up one day to find that your Achilles tendons are in serious trouble, your arches have collapsed and your back doesn’t work properly any more!

I know that I am pretty much either preaching to the converted or ranting to people that think that 2 six inch spikes are a good thing to balance your weight on of an evening, but I’m seriously at a loss here… I cannot for the life of me understand the point of flip-flops anywhere but the beach.

“Where dirt meets water”…

I was in work the other day and was stuck in the corridor behind three women, all of whom were wearing flip flops… As a drummer, if there is ANY third party tapping going on It HAS to be in some kind of time or it begins to drive me very crazy very quickly… What I was treated to on this particular afternoon seemed remarkably similar to the sound that I can image 6 ADHD suffering kids would make when let loose in a drum show room whilst whizzing their tits off on speed!

Add to that the fascination that a lot of people have with bracelets jangling away on their wrists and you are left listening to the world’s worst one (wo)man band! Jingly jingly plap plap jangle plap!

I’m thinking that I’m going to glue a foghorn to one shoe and a small tourettes sufferer to the other… You want noisy shoes?! I’ve got your noisy fucking shoes right here! ‘HONK’ “BOLLOCKS” ‘HONK’ “PISS”!

I’ve just got to learn how to tap dance now, then all you motherfuckers are for it!

N.B. I have a feeling I’m now going to be spending a lot of time trying to escape from people maliciously ‘flipping’ and ‘flopping’ at me! As long as they’re not actually ‘flipping their flop’ at me though, I’m sure I’ll cope!

A Drivers Blood Stained View

What in the name of Greek buggery makes some of you cyclists think that you can cycle three abreast down a public road and then look at car users like they’re a piece of shit when they honk their horn at you?

The very roads that you flagrant twats block is paid for by the people you are blocking! You arrogant cunts, can you not see that if everyone where as ‘green’ (you smug fucks) as you, there would be no money from road tax to pay for the upkeep of the roads that you looooove to claim as your own so much!

Would you all be quite as high and mighty cycling down a bumpy dirt track? I thought not!

Besides, it’s obvious that you’re all fit and healthy and congratulations to you, you lucky bastards! Some of us haven’t been afforded that luxury, does that therefore mean that in your utopian (somewhat fascist) society I would be forced to stay indoors? Or wreck my legs for life? How about a little bit less judgment and a little bit more getting the fuck out of my way?

You like to flaunt your abuse of common road courtesy and you like to do it right in front of people performing a famously stressful task, with anger problems (if you’re anything like me), in a giant lump of metal and petrol travelling at a fair old rate… What would happen if I were to actually lose my patience one day and abuse the rules of the road by sticking it in 5^th and jamming the windscreen wipers on as I watch you rag doll over my car with an evil smile across my face and a chuckle in my gut?! There are literally NO words to describe the level of stupidity that you possess.

Back when I was cycling, I used to feel it my duty (as someone that fancied staying alive and not fucking up the life of an innocent car user) to keep out of the way as much as possible… Anyone who decides that 3 people can share one lane is literally begging for trouble… It only takes one pissed up joy rider to treat the road like a bowling alley and you’re all fucked!

And most fucked up of all is the fact that the people who are worst for it (through my experiences on the road) are the Royal Mail cyclists… They’re not bad on their own, but when you work just off the road that the sorting office is on, you’ll see 10 of them cut you up in two rows of 5, there has been a number of occasions where I’ve been really tempted to NOT stamp on the brake! And they STILL give you the evils when you sound your horn at them… Perhaps it could’ve been the unintelligible screaming and profanity, but it’s early in the morning and I’ve already had to deal with morons whose stupidity gets in the way of my life.

When you wake up in A&E with half a bike wedged up your arse, then you’ll understand that it would perhaps have been better to take the bus!

The La La La’s, Nah Nah Nah’s and Yeah Yeah Yeah’s

Please please please, for the love of Darwin stop the madness.

Every time I turn on the radio, (and I’ll grant you, it isn’t that often, what with the music collection that I possess, I feel absolutely no need to have a self appointed audio fascist telling me what to listen to!) I am confronted by a new whiny, faggy little ditty by a band with more floppy hair than sense that entirely consists of the ponce of a lead singer going ‘nah nah nah’ (See Blink 182) or ‘yeah yeah yeah’ (see U2) in an effort to create a ‘hook’ that would appeal to the lowest common denominator in an effort to ‘shift more units’ (eww!) and if you’re buying these songs, then you my friend (doubtful) are that lowest common denominator…

Congratulations!!

Take a good look at the world around you…

Done that?

Good!

Now, how does it feel to know that you are as low as it gets?

That’s what I thought… Now fucking stop it!

And as for the bands, you asked for this! If you want to cop out and create emotionless, talent-less bile just to make a quick buck, then fuck you! This angry rant is the least you deserve!

For every ‘La La La’ song that you create, you are allowing the intellect of music fans to drop just that little bit more, thereby facilitating the drop in the intellect of society as a whole… You’re no better than Emmerdale or American Gladiators… Your ‘mono syllabic lyrical hook’ based music simply allows people to not bother thinking… And you wonder why we’re in such a state today?

All you manage to do with this music, is tap into the ‘frat boy’ demographic; the beer swilling, pill popping, twat bags that only like this music because they can stick their fists in the air to it and not have to bother listening to it enough to actually learn the lyrics.

If you haven’t got anything decent to say, then don’t say anything, if your music suffers because of it, then LEARN TO PLAY YOUR INSTRUMENTS before you decide to refer to yourselves as musicians!

I hope you like idiots, because you’re helping to make them by the arse load!

Wake Up, Not Make Up!

Just what the fuck is wrong with some of you people?

I’m sorry, but it’s a question that I’ve got to ask… I ask it because of the state of society today, the society into which you all belong, the society into which you all have an equal say. It’s fucked and it’s fucking you, you are in turn fucking it some more and then as I’m sure you can imagine it’s having a bloody good ream session back onto your co-dependent sphincters.

Break the fucking cycle for crying out loud. The cycle with which I am referring to today is the amount of time, effort and unhappiness you spend on looking good!

I see (some!) women taking hours to do their make up, only to look slightly worse than they did before they started whilst dying little by little inside, I see men doing make up… Nothing else tagged on the end of that, just doing make up in the first instance is too much… Surely the men could’ve looked at the mistakes that had been made with women and make up. You know, the situation we’re now in where scores of women feel naked without the overpriced war paint splashed all over them like it’s taken a few rollers and a team of artists to construct, and if they feel naked when they go out, it affects their confidence and their happiness… So they spend hours a day doing their hair and make up, just to spend the evening pissed off their heads (through lack of self-esteem) crying and vomiting it off.

I now see men and women wearing make up, spending ludicrous amounts of money on clothes and accessories and getting cosmetic surgery… What the fuck?! If you are actually prepared to have a person with a scalpel make you ‘look prettier’, then your mind is in a sadder state than mine… (You poor bastards!)

I guess what I’m really asking is ‘Is this the way you want to spend your life’? subservient and submissive to over priced, animal tested ‘wonder creams’ and powders and paints and shit?

Despite being seen as a heartless cynic by many, this upsets and disturbs me profoundly!

Surely it would be better if we all spent the time ‘making up’ our intellect? The time you would’ve spent styling your hair, read a book! The time you would’ve spent whitewashing your face, watch a documentary and the time that you would spend arranging for a twat with a blade to remove the lump in your nose? Why, have a conversation of course (and one that’s a bit deeper than what was on the telly last night!) You remember those? The things we all used to have when we weren’t spending all our time secretly destroying ourselves because we felt like we NEEDED to look better… Wake the fuck up people! If you care about how you look, then stop it, if you care how other people look then just stop existing, because your kind is not necessary for the intellectual evolution of our species!

I for one don’t want to live in a society hidden behind collagen smiles and powder masks and to be fair to the deluded ones among you, I don’t blame you for your lack of self satisfaction, I blame the mainstream media, the models, the pop charts and the movie stars, hell, I blame society itself, for not realising how much pain and suffering it’s putting many of it’s people through… I just hope you can cut free of its smothering embrace before it consumes you completely. Do you not think that this fascination with physical appearance could have been pushed so hard to stop you from asking real questions? Like what happened to that person who was whisked away to the modern concentration camp that is Guantanamo Bay because they happened to be in the wrong religion/colour/place at the time? It’s all self perpetuating diversionary tactics and they’re working like a charm!

Please cancer all my appointments (except OK magazine), I seem to be a little under the weather

Good evening and welcome to the first of many periodic ramblings from Buckle ups resident rage-aholic…

I would like to open with a nice easy one, to get you all into the flow of things safely and slowly……

So, Jade Goody has cancer eh…Tough balls! (or at least tough lumps at any rate… owch!)

All I seem to hear these days is ‘isn’t Jade brave’… Fuck no! At one time or another, I’m sure all of you have been affected by cancer, be it a close friend, a family member, a pet, whatever, now ask yourself this; Did you EVER profit from their illness?

I can imagine that that is a resounding ‘no’ (if it isn’t, then fuck off… that’s right, fuck right off, click away from the page and go and check out some animal porn or something, because you’re obviously a ’special’ kind of soulless cunt!)

All over the newspapers, all you seem to see (other than tits and footballers, which are quite possibly the same thing anyhow) is ‘Brave Jade battles cancer’ and ‘Jade to marry her man before she dies’

Can we all just switch our minds back a year or so please, to the ‘Sherpa poppadom’ debacle.  Jade is a woman who has proven time and again that she is just too stupid to live… She is certainly too stupid to be allowed to open her mouth on national television, even if it is Big Bother. And now all of a sudden, because she’s got cancer, she appears to have become a national fucking treasure… How and when the fuck did that shit happen?!

My granddad died of cancer… He was a WWII veteran, he gave his life in the hope of a better tomorrow… Where’s his fucking tikka tape parade? Where’s his national news coverage? Where’s his opportunity to obtain vast quantities of cash over a short time just for having an illness that affects millions of individuals unknown to the masses, despite not being ‘annoying evil idiot fucks’? (thanks Bill!)

He didn’t get any of it… He came home from the war and worked his arse off until his retirement

That strikes me as a little unfair…

And you want to know who I blame for all of this?

YOU!

That’s right, you, the media-mesmerised masses, agreeing with the newspapers because it happens to be there telling you what to think…

I’m not saying that I’m glad that Jade has cancer or anything, but what I am saying is ’so the fuck what?!’ What’s with the massive commotion being created by people? Millions die from cancer and do you care?! No you fucking don’t, but as soon as one of them has been on the television… The little black, free-thought destroying box in the corner of the room, you suddenly decide that she’s ‘Brave Jade’…

You can fuck right off!